I Accept.

I tried..
I tried to be a women and patch up something that meant the world to me..
You laughed,
I always thought when someone laughed in my face it’d infuriate me, break me, make me feel low or hurt me
It did the opposite..
This had been the first time I had ever been laughed at..knowingly
The first time a person I cared about showed me what I had to say was of no importance…
The first time I realized..
You were not him..
You were not who I perceived you to be..
Fooled..
Because I noticed when you’re an emotional writer every little feeling intrigues you..
Only when you’re not used to it you think a single feeling is the world..
It could be because I’m a simple girl..
So the littlest things awed me and I declared you as him…
Him who I described to be the man I saw in my dreams as a young girl..
Him who I thought was Loving…
Caring…
Intelligent…
Beautiful…
Humorous…
Understanding…
A gift..
Him who instead became what was all obstacles in a lesson..
I was prepared for a lesson..
But my perception of this lecture was it’d be about what it was to love
How to be loved..
I had not realized I was teaching you how to love… Me
My papers were blank because I was ready to learn from you,
Forgetting you’d never been in love before..
But I still expected…
And It’s hectic like a college class, I’m debating on dropping out
A yr in a half and I realize, I didn’t sign up for this
I guess that’s what happens when you change the definition of a home..
From four walls to two eyes and a heartbeat
In him I knew it’d be imperfect..
But the difference between us is I’d never let him know..
Because I saw perfection in imperfection because of blessing I thought was from him above..
And still regret never left my mouth to enter your ears
Because, I… Loved you
I still love you..
But baby you’re unhealthy..
Filling my soul with something with no nutrients
I’m becoming obese in hurt,
Working out became for my soul and not my body..
A new profound hobby,
What the fuck is this?
My mind is saying hell no
but my heart is reaching for you like a infant for its bottle
Because I want you..
You’ve created a battle with me vs. me
Can you see?
And now we’re both confused
We as in me & me
Because although you’re imperfection has soared through every angle
I still have faith in you
I’m still understanding..
And again my heart begins to take over..
Because now I’m ranting on and on about how improvement can be made..
Hand me the blade..
I need to cut through my emotions..
And figure out who you really are because they’re in the way
Oh love stop making a fool of me..
A fool of me to me
Cause when it comes to love thoughts and opinions don’t matter
Matter..
That’s all I want to feel
Worth..
That’s all I want to feel
Priority..
That’s all I want to be..
Seeking it in you
But you’ve made it clear…
That person to you isn’t Me.
I accept.I lost my mind trying to be on yours.
 
-Jennifer.Hall

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s