Apology

I never knew I was so capable of holding a grudge against someone I loved.. Even with them no longer being here physically. I feel like there’s still so much anger and hurt built inside of me that I’m being unbelievably unaccepting to what happened and forgiving of a mistake, I know nothing about. I know Nov 29, 2014 was a couple months back and what seems like enough time to get over the fact that my fucking best friend.. The person who was always there for me no matter what time of the day it could’ve been.. The person who fucking talked me out of irrational decision making, committed suicide. It boggles my mind that I will never fully know or see the man my best friend was going to become. I always battle in my head if I forgive him and at times I feel like I sincerely do.. But I noticed it’s only because I want him to enter my dreams like he has to many of my other friends. He has yet to speak to me through anything or enter my dreams and the amount of hurt I have is tearing me apart yet on the outside Im trying to be loving, available and caring for others. The fact that you never know what goes through a persons head is scary… It’s scary because I honestly feel from the bottom of my heart I could’ve helped. I would’ve went beyond myself to help. My heart feels shrunken and the balance in my life is no longer even. I haven’t been able to place flowers on his grave because I feel as if I’m not worthy with anger still built inside of me. Forgiveness has been thrown in my face repeatedly over the months and I’ve been trying my absolute best to figure out why and who had I not forgiven. I found my error. At times I get so mad I break down randomly during the day and I cry and I tell tyrell how mad I am at him and I mean it at that time. Because I know situations he would’ve helped me through.. I tell him he wasn’t alone and that this was the most selfish thing he’s ever done. I guess I confuse him as I am also confused with what I call forgiveness. All I want to do is forgive him.. For the sake of feeling okay. I have no one to tell everything to. My soul is so loud but my voice isn’t saying much. I’m extremely lonely. It’s been three months and I’ve broke down crying at least twice a week. I want to forgive. I want to start the process in forgiving him. I am sorry Tyrell. I’m sorry for holding this grudge so long.. I’m sorry that even in spirit you feel as if you’ve let me down. I’m sorry for being disappointed in you. I just miss you so much I feel like giving up. Idk.

-Jennifer.Hall

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