Holding back

Let it flow it’s much easier..
At least that’s what I’m learning
I created a invisible cast around my entire body..
That way my feelings and emotions would never hit the surface..
Unaware that after a while the pressure of holding things back would soon crack my cast slowly but continually and soon enough my body would be bare to the world..
My emotions and feelings would no longer have a wall to stop them..
Certainly my cast has shattered..
Creating that cast was a bad idea because ideally I could’ve dealt with my problems and moved on but here I am standing in a puddle full of emotions and feelings..
And I’m feeling weak..
My heart feels like it’s tearing and the feeling is almost so literal I want an X-ray..
This can’t be healthy.
My tears are crashing into the back of my eyes like a storm in the middle of the sea..
My anxiety is yo-yo’ing
I’ve never been so lost in my life..
I guess holding back was a bad decision..
Because when you left four months ago for school I was certain I’d see you for the holidays..
Well they’re here..
I never learned from planning ahead before
But now… I feel stupid because I assumed I was strong enough to deal with this distance..
I was sure I could do it..
It was my cast talking..
My cast was strong so I was too..
My cast otherwise known as disguise
By me..

-Jennifer. H


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